Introducing Murphy!

Introducing Murphy!

Today was a milestone in my journey to learn to walk again.  After having an amputation on June 9, 2014 and then having an infection that caused me to be on IV antibiotics for almost three months, today we finally got to don Murphy (my prosthetic leg) and begin configuring the settings so I can learn how to walk.  Woohoo!

The last month has been very difficult waiting for the wound to complete the healing process so we could finally work with Murphy.  I am not working right now.  That is a very difficult thing for me to do.  Staying home and vegetating is not my idea of fun.  So...I learned to make mobile applications and I am now producing mobile applications that are being published on iTunes, Google Play, and Amazon Kindle.  Yay me!  With all of the physical therapy and work I must do to get back up and walking, I believe that I will not be able to return to the classroom this school year.  I hat that...but that is the way it has to be for now.  

So, while I am not working, I am working on my dissertation (soon to be Dr. Turner), building my application business, and learning to walk with Murphy.  That should be enough to keep my busy for a while.  :-)

So my wound doctor released me today, my orthopedic doctor doesn't want to see me for three months, and my prosthetist is super excited about our progress in getting ready to use Murphy!  Just about the time I was thinking I would never get there, here I am!  Woohoo!

Thursday I go to the surgeon to discuss my surgical options for my gallstones.  Hopefully I will get that done quickly so I can get up on Murphy and begin regular physical therapy.  I know I am ready to get the stones out.  About 1-2 nights a week, I really struggle with abdominal pain.  Whew, what a relief when we get that taken care of!  

That is about it for now.  I have so much more to say,but it has been a very long day and I am ready to jump into bed (literally, because my bed is so tall I have to jump to get into it).  More updates later.

Remember, it is not "disabled" but "differently-abled"

Shelly Turner

almost Dr. Turner

Wife to Tony

Mother to Tavis, Heather, Tabitha, and Allyn

Grandmother to Sweet Baby Rae

Biology Diva

Skydiving Diva

Amputee

Living Life without Limb-its!!!

Good News!

Good news!! No ulcers!! Woohoo! Now we are setting up an appointment to get a surgery consult for the gallstones. Let's hope it is soon, because they are very painful!! My appointment is for January 29th, but please pray they can get me in sooner!!

Also, tomorrow I go get Murphy!! Woohoo! I am still not allowed to use it, but in about four weeks I can get it "programmed" and start physical therapy. It will be several months before I can walk unassisted, but I am so excited to get started!! Woohoo!!

The colder weather has been wreaking havoc on my phantom limb sensation (it is hard to call it pain because it is not quite the same as the pain I have experienced in my lifetime). The wound looks wicked awesome! I have skin covering it now and I just have to wait for it to get mature skin before I can start working with Murphy.

My dogs are getting very comfortable with my amputation. When I am walking down the hallway with my walker or crutches, they just run under my stump to get by me (I am still really slow). He he he

I am excited about working with my leg so I can meet my first big goal. Springfest in Batesville always does a 1k walk and a 5k run. My goal is to get good enough with Murphy that I can do the 1k this spring...and maybe the 5k run the next year! C'mon Murphy!! We can do it!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and enjoyed your time with family and friends. I also hope that you took a moment to remember that God sent his precious son for you. .

With 2014 almost over, I have a few resolutions:

1. Keep doing my physical therapy exercises, but bump it up to twice a day instead of once a day now that the wound is almost healed.

2. Go to the gym at least three times a week to start building up arm and thigh muscles (I have a marathon to prepare for!)

3. Eat healthier. I am super bad about eating very, very little during the day. I need to eat little meals throughout the day. At least a small breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Hard to do a marathon without energy!

4. Keep working on the Kindle version of iLoveScience (a resource for high school biology teachers).

5. Keep growing and learning how to build iPhone, iPad, Android, and Kindle apps. It is really cool stuff and keeps my techie skills up-to-date! Just because I am not working does not mean I cannot learn and grow my skills!! 

6. Read some of the books that I have on my "must read" list. I have so many I am not entirely sure where to start!

7. Post weekly (at least) to my blog. I have had so many people that told me they were disappointed that I was not posting about my progress, so I will do better. 

8. Finish my dissertation. Then I will be Dr. Shelly Turner!! Woohoo!

I am sure there are more, but those are my main ones. Of course, the primary resolution is to get back up on my feet/foot, but I am at the mercy of my medical team for that one. But rest assured, when they give the nod, away I go!!

Happy New Year to everyone! 2015 is going to be a wicked awesome year!!

The Road to Murphy is not Paved with Gold!

A lot has happened since the last post.  I have been very busy contacting this doctor and that doctor to make sure that everything is on-track and ready for my May 27th date.  I am still very excited and ready to go.  We are dealing with the last minute loose ends to make sure that the transition after the surgery is as easy as possible.  There is still a lot to do.  Here are some of the things that are weighing heavy on my mind...

Driving:  I am still working on getting certified to drive a car with a left foot accelerator.  The task is proving very easy, but very expensive.  We have been $40 to death with specialist doctor visits and we have tapped out our savings and rainy day fund.  The driving lessons are costly and I may have to put them off until we have a little relief on bills.  I was hoping that I could complete this task before the surgery, but it depends on our financial situation.

Work:  I have been determined to work through to the end of the year.  But I am tired.  I am dealing with accommodation issues and, while I feel like hey are finally working with me, it has been a long year and I am struggling to be patient.  Up to this point, I have not been a participant in discussing the accommodations that I need.  I would ask...they would ignore or make a decision without my input.  Now that they are finally talking to me, I feel the anger and frustration coming out and I just want to lash out at the fact that the entire year I have not been treated professionally or with any dignity.  I think I have gone into my limitations with a lot of grace, style, and dignity, but after fighting for almost the whole school year to get a door fixed, get a curb cut, and get my classroom oriented better for using a wheelchair, I just feel like I want to yell at someone.  It is not often that I ask for accommodations...and when I asked for them at the beginning of the school year, I tried to be very patient about getting them implemented because not only was I busy, but everyone else was busy, too.  I was trying to be respectful of their time and resources.  Now I understand that I should have been more forceful and insistent in the beginning that the changes be made.  Another learning moment...

Finances:  This one is a big one because I have such a fear of the unknown expenses.  We have already drained our savings meeting the deductibles...and everyone knows that teachers make sooooooooo much money!  (I was being sarcastic if you could not tell).  I keep reminding myself that other people have done it...and so can I.  But going back to beans and rice/rice and beans is frustrating.  Tony and I have worked so hard to make sure that we didn't have to go back to that...but this one medical issue has put us back to penny-pinching again.  At 47 years old, it is frustrating.

Just to give an idea of the amount of money...I have been to over 20 doctor visits at $40 each (our deductible for a specialist).  I have been in the hospital one day for a seizure.  They ran every test known to man in that one day.  I have logged over 4000 miles traveling to Jackson, MS and back for doctor visits.  And we have not hit the expensive stuff...the surgery itself, the hospital stay afterwards (2-5 days), and then the prosthetic leg, which can be anywhere from $50,000 to $100,000 depending on the type.  Yes...I am nervous about the financial part!   We will get through it...we will figure it out...and I am sure we will be just fine...but it is still frustrating and quite frightening to think about our financial instability...

Pain:  I am struggling with a lot of pain right now.  I have had six nerve blocks and they are doing a fantastic job of blocking the nerve pain that was overwhelming me daily.  But I am having a lot of pain with the knee and foot as I limit the amount of walking I do.  I have put myself in a wheelchair to prevent the breaking of the foot again.  When I limit the use of the leg, the foot tightens up (especially if it gets cold) and it hurts tremendously when I try to get up and put any weight on it.  I feel like my mobility has decreased about 85% and it is very, very frustrating.  Yet it further solidifies my decision to have the amputation.

Physical Therapy:  As we get closer to the actual surgery, I am discovering more and more information about what it will be like to remove the leg and the physical therapy I will have to complete just to get up and walking again.  I know it will be difficult and I will have to learn how to walk in a completely different way.  In discussing with the therapist our future sessions, I learned that I will be required to walk by pushing from the base of my buttocks.  The prosthesis will come all of the way up my thigh and sit at the base of my buttocks and I will actually learn to initially push from there.  I also have a decided advantage because of the extra tissue (fat) I have in my butt...one of the few times having a big butt is an advantage.  It will make sitting on hard benches and chairs much easier...  :-)  As we get closer, I get a little more nervous that I will be a wimp and not do the things I need to do to recover quickly and learn the new way to walk.  I think I am most worried about being "uncomfortable".  The fear of the unknown is starting to creep in.

I do not think I will wimp out because that is not my style...but I still worry.  I kind of equate it to when I went skydiving.  I was SURE that when it was time to actually jump, I would chicken out.  Surely little ole me was not brave enough to jump out of a perfectly good airplane at 13,500 feet!  But...when the time came...I was not only ready, I swung my legs out and was ready to go!  I think I will deal with this the same way...determined and resolute...but I still have that apprehension that I just cannot make go away.

Friends and Family:  OK...this is a hard one...I DO NOT want anyone babying me or treating me like an invalid.  I am not a "hero", or "brave" or "strong" or "special" or "extraordinary".  I am just a person that is having a hard time with my right leg and figured out how to fix the problem.  I want to go into the hospital, get the surgery done, recover, get my new prosthetic leg, and get busy trying to establishing my new normal.  Nuff said...

So that about covers some of the major things that I am thinking about.  There is obviously a lot on my mind and it is great that I can jot it all down, post it, and then forget about it for a while...until it creeps back into my brain.  For now, suffice it to say that I am worried...not about the surgery, not about the recovery, and not about the prosthetic leg...just the "stuff" that comes with all of that.  I have a high level of confidence that I will overcome all of it because the option is to not overcome it...and that is simply not an option.  So...as I defeat all of these things, I will post all of my victories...because in the end, I believe that I am a winner and I will wear my prosthetic leg like a badge of honor at the mountains I have climbed to accomplish this goal of walking and being active again.  I will not only have the ability to walk free of pain, but I also believe that in some respects I will have an overall net gain.  And I am thankful that I have family, friends (virtual and flesh) that support me in my decision.  I look forward to the day I take a step and do not have to think about it so hard!  I just gotta remember that the first step is always a doozie!

How the Heck am I going to Drive?

Yep, that was the question that puzzled me last weekend!  I worried about it for about 5 seconds, then my husband reminded me that I am the queen of researching things on the internet, so I jumped on the world wide web and found out everything I could about adaptations to cars.

I decided I did not want a hand controlled car.  My car is so little (Mazda Miata MX-5) that it just cannot have a whole lot of "stuff" in the floor or there won't be any room for me!  Then I came across a hinged left foot gas pedal.  This is a pretty cool adaptation that can be made to just about any car.  It allows you to keep the right gas pedal, but it gets put on a hinge.  A left foot hinged gas pedal is added.  So, if my husband wants to drive, the right pedal stays down and the left pedal goes up out of the way.  If I want to drive, the left pedal stays down and the right pedal goes up.  The brake stays the same.  It is a really cool adaptation and I am super excited about it. 

Notice:  left gas pedal up, right gas pedal down

So the plan is to see an occupational therapist to teach me how to drive with my left foot only.  She has to train me and certify me before my pedals can be installed.  Then, once they are installed, away I go!  Woohoo!  We are going to get everything done before the amputation so that I can get used to driving with my left foot only. 

My appointment with the doctor that will do the amputation is tomorrow.  I am so excited!  I am hoping that he wants to do it sooner, rather than later.  I am already wanting to be on the road to recovery so I can get back up and work on getting my prosthetic leg.  There is also a lot I want to ask him.  Recovery time is important.  My goal is to have the surgery done and be back to working in August in a wheelchair.  I won't be up walking, yet...but I can at least get around.  We'll see what he says.  :-)

I had a slight meltdown a couple days ago when I realized that getting into my shower might be a bit of a challenge.  We have a step over to get into the shower, and with one leg, my fear is that I will slip because I will have to almost "hop" in.  Fear of falling is already hitting me!  But my husband reassured me that we will go to Lowes and see if we can find some shower bars that we can add to our shower to allow me to get in slowly and carefully.  Then, the goal is to have them redo the floor of our shower to make it a zero-step shower (also know as a wet room shower).  I would love to make that change in our shower and then it would be way easier for me to get into the shower without the extreme fear of falling.  We will work on that...

No step shower entry...cooh, huh?

I went back to work this whole week.  I was definitely worn out at the end of the week.  It is difficult using that wheelchair to push around all 128 pounds of me!  Of course, the new goal is to lose at least 10 pounds by the surgery so I won't struggle to move myself around during recovery.  I must strengthen my arms, as well.  I am also doing exercises each day to strengthen my thighs.  Right now, they are flabby.  The kind of flab that when you stop running, the thighs are still shaking like jello!  :-(  So I have a lot of work to do.  My goal is to get those thighs as strong as I can so that when they do the amputation, my right leg recovers as easy as possible.

I saw the coolest thing at the prosthetic place the other day.  There was a man that had a below the knee amputation and when he was putting on his prosthetic device, he unzipped his pants on the inseam of the leg.  It was awesome!  So I may have my mother-in-law (queen of the sewing machine) to make me a few pairs of pants like that.  It is kind of neat!

I have also decided I am really, really excited about half-priced pedicures!  I have only had a few pedicures in my life.  One of the reasons I am not cool with it is because I hate anyone messing with my right foot.  It hurts and the nails grow crazy so that it is hard to tell if you are cutting nail or skin.  It does not like the massage they usually give either!  How crazy is that??  So I just don't get them.  But...now I can get my left foot done and completely enjoy it!  No worries!!!!  Woohoo!

In preparation for the amputation, I am getting my teeth worked on.  I have had two root canals (no fun) and get to finish it up next week with putting the caps on.  I must say, thought...these dentists that did the work were WONDERFUL.  I went in and told them that I was having an amputation in a few months, and I was way more nervous about the dental work!  They were awesome and told me that they would use "profound anesthesia" and they did!  Barely felt a thing...at one point I almost fell asleep!  That is awesome!  Definitely a very different experience than the first root canal I had!  I come by my dental fears honestly.  But these guys made me not so fearful of the dentist any longer because I know that they have really good happy gas and happy juice!  :-)

Right now I really only have one worry...and that is finances.  My husband and I have always worked hard to make sure that we kept plenty in savings in case of an emergency.  Well...we have just about sucked that dry with all of the doctor visits, medication, and dental work (about $2000 just in dental work!).  But I need to remind myself of one of my favorite sayings:

"If someone has already done something, that means I can do it, too.  If someone has never done something, I can be the first!"

There are lots and lots of people that have dealt with the financial issues that come with doctor bills and amputation.  If they can do it, I can do it, too!  :-)

Still looking for that dream job, too!  Now that I am so close to my doctorate, I am wanting to teach at the college level.  My goal is to end up in Rogers, Arkansas (or there abouts) to teach new teachers about classroom management and using technology in the classroom.  I am very thrilled that I am so close to finishing my doctorate.  I am ABD (all but dissertation) and the only thing I have left is my dissertation (two chapters to go).  Hopefully with some downtime from the amputation, I will be able to tie it up with a nice bow and GRADUATE!  Wouldn't it be awesome to walk across the stage in my new leg!  Holy cow, that is exciting!!

Well...another blog post down.  I have so much I have been thinking about and so glad that I have a way of putting  it all down, thus letting my brain rest a little.  Until the next post, I hope you have a GREAT week!  Updates on the date of the amputation and the "Big Plan" will be coming soon!  :-)

Oh...by the way...my husband made me promise that we would not have a funeral for the leg...so I must think of something creative and outside the box...any ideas??

Murphy is a go!

Wow...I have so much to update that I hope I do not bore you!

Monday of this week, I went to see my foot doctor.  She finally conceded that amputation was a viable option and that I should do what I want.  I could choose reconstructive surgery or I could choose amputation.  I was relieved that she supported my decision to choose amputation. 

On that same day, I went to see a prosthetist to discuss the different prosthetic devices, discuss amputations, and just help me to learn all I can about the process of having an amputation, recovering, and getting a new prosthetic leg.  They were so helpful explaining the ins and outs of getting a prosthetic device.  They even let me talk with a below the knee amputee, Mr. Cook.  He shared with me his experience of being a 20 year amputee.  He shared the good and the bad and I am so thankful for his time.  We was very generous and gracious.  The prosthetic people said that they think I am a good candidate for a C-leg and that is very exciting because that is the one I want.  Woohoo!  Keep your fingers crossed!

This is what a C-leg looks like...

Tuesday I went to see my pain management specialist and I got a fourth nerve block.  The nerve blocks are doing very well.  I have had some break-through pain and last week I thought I might have broken my foot again, but it was actually some break-through nerve pain.  The X-rays show that my bones are healing in my foot.  Woohoo!  I have a few more nerve blocks to go, and the doctor said that we will concentrate on getting  as much pain managed before they decide to do the amputation.  I am totally ok with that!

The final appointment I had was an orthopedic doctor that would be my second opinion on having the amputation.  When he walked in, he asked me to explain what was going on.  I explained all of the reconstructive options that have been offered up and why I thought none of them would work.  I explained why I wanted an amputation.  When I was finished, he said that he thought an amputation was probably the best route and he approved.  YAY!!  Finally!!!  So the door is open to getting it done.  So now I go back to the first doctor that I talked with and we will discuss amputation in terms of getting it done.  My preference is sooner rather than later so that we can get as much of the expensive procedures completed in the year 2014 since we have met our deductibles this year already.

So my target date for getting my amputation done is May the 28th.  My last day of school is May the 27th and I want to go right in and get the procedure done so I can recover over the summer and maybe even be ready to go back to work in August (in a wheelchair of course because it will be too early to have the actual prosthetic leg, yet).  I also have a goal to work out at the gym from now until the time that I get the amputation to make sure I am making the thigh muscles of that leg as strong as they can be so that I can recover quickly and move into my practice leg as soon as possible.

Today I went back to my classroom.  I was so excited to see my students after being out for three weeks (one of those weeks was spring break).  I teach high school biology and my students must pass my class and the state test in biology to graduate.  Every day I miss is a day they do not get quality instruction.  So I am ready to hone in on that state test, get them some final instruction, do a rocking review, and get that test done on May the 10th.  I think that even with me being out so much because of my leg situation, my students are still going to do a really good job on the test.  My pass rate last year was 82%.  My goal with my students this year is 90%.  They can do it!  :-)

If you would have talked to me just one month ago, I would have told you that I was frustrated with the process of seeing doctors and trying to convince them that I preferred amputation over a long process of foot and knee reconstruction.  Most of them just did not see the big picture.  But I am so thankful that I found doctors that are seeing the "big picture" and see that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with the frustration of the pain in my knee and foot and living with the worry that I might just take a step and break more bones.  I am also so excited about the new possibilities that exist with a prosthetic leg!  Here are things I am excited about:

1.  Shoes, shoes, shoes.  I have some "cute" shoes, but they are shoes that were chosen because my right foot could work in them.  With the prosthetic leg, I can choose shoes that are "Oh my gosh, those are cute shoes" kind of shoes.  Woohoo!  I am already scoping the shoes at several different places.  I believe that I am going to create a budget to make sure I do not go overboard!  :-)

2.  Stairs.  I have always been very slow to go up and down stairs.  I have to end up placing both feet on each step.  With the C-leg, I might be able to go up and down the stairs putting only one foot on each step.  Holy cow...I can't even imagine that!  I can totally see myself challenging people to a race up or down the stairs.  I am sure I won't win...but I will be close!  :-)

3.  Walking and talking.  Right now, if I am walking, I have to pay such close attention to the process of walking and the area that I am walking, that it is almost impossible for me to have an intelligent conversation while walking.  I am hoping that the C-leg will allow me to be able to actually have an intelligent conversation while walking with people...and maybe even keeping up with them as well!  It is funny now because most people walk so fast and I just cannot keep up with them.  So they will start a conversation while walking and then get so far ahead of me that I don't even hear what they are saying!  I can't wait to be able to keep up with them and actually talk to them!

4.  Getting the dream job.  I am currently ABD and working on finishing my dissertation for my doctorate.  Obviously it would not be the right time to apply for a new job yet.  But after I get my final prosthetic leg, I am going all out to find that dream job.  I want to teach at the University of Arkansas because I want to be a razorback!  I would love to be able to teach teachers how to teach, classroom management, and how to use technology in the classroom.  I believe the new leg will give me confidence to go for that job!!! 

5.  Bungee jumping.  After having gone skydiving, swimming with sharks, and ziplining, I am finally ready to tackle bungee jumping.  I cannot do it now because if my right leg was tangled up in the ropes at all I would probably snap my tibia like a thin twig.  But...after the amputation, I might be able to do it...and so I will.  I also want to go skydiving again as an amputee!  How awesome would that be?  And my husband and I want to go to south Africa to swim with the great white sharks.  I am ready, ready, ready.  A month ago, these were just thoughts that I might or might not do but I knew that my leg in its current state would be my limiting factor.  Now, with newfound excitement and confidence, I am excited again about the future and what I will be able to do!

6.  Razorback and Broncos leg.  At the prosthetic place, they showed me that they could actually decorate the legs with things that you like.  I LOVE the razorbacks and broncos.  So I am considering getting the final leg decorated with my two favorite football teams.  How cool would that be?!!  And if I got a job teaching at the University of Arkansas, that would be even cooler!!

So I asked the doctor if, after he removed my leg, we could put the leg in a big jar and add it to my preserved organism collection in my classroom.  He said no...after we both giggled.  How funny would that be?  "Hello students...in this jar I have a baby shark, in this jar I have a bullfrog, and in this jar I have my old leg."  Oh my gosh...that would be a hoot!  But he explained that the leg would be incinerated...so much for that idea.  he he he  :-)

My family seems to be all positive and excited for me.  My students, after updating them today on the situation, seem excited for me.  My doctors are assuring me that I will probably do very well with the amputation, recovery, and fitting of the new prosthetic leg.  My husband is so supportive and reassures me constantly that all he wants is for me to be happy and pain-free.  I have been through so many surgeries in my lifetime that the amputation does not scare me even a little.  I am very excited and very ready.  I bet I am one of very few people that you would hear about that is excited about getting an amputation.

I can't wait to update you next time on any new developments and more things that I am excited about.  :-)

My first post!

So this is my first post of my new blog.  I hope that it will be a way for me to put down some of my thoughts as I go through the process of choosing an amputation over surgery.  I also hope that it helps others as they may be going through the process of choosing an amputation. 

 



Skydiving at 13,500 feet!!

So here I am...skydiving and having the time of my life!  Yet, in the last four years, my body has been changing.  I was born with a genetic disorder (Nail Patella Syndrome or NPS) and I have been pretty lucky as an adult to not have a lot of problems with it.  I have done most of what I wanted to.  I would not say I am athletic, but I am adventurous and I do not like to be slowed down.  I have been skydiving, swimming with sharks, zip-lining, and I am a huge roller coaster fan.  But, now things are changing and I am faced with challenges as I get older and my right leg gets weaker.

So lets start at the beginning and work our way to today...

Freefalling at 120 mph

I have Nail Patella Syndrome (NPS), a rare genetic disorder that causes my fingernails to grow improperly and I do not have any knee caps (patellae).  My right leg does not bend.  When I was born, I had a club foot on my right side.  I immediately was casted to correct the problem.  Then, at about seven years old, I had an Achilles tendon and hamstring lengthening.  While casted for that surgery, I experienced the skin rotting inside the cast.  When they removed the cast after seven weeks, I had to go in for immediate surgery to remove the dead tissue and replace the skin with skin graft.  Then at 13 years old, I had my first leg lengthening where they made the tibia/fibula longer.  At 16 I had another leg lengthening where they made the femur longer.  Then I had another surgery on my ankle to reconstruct it and the knee to try and position muscles so that I could lift my foot up from a bent knee position.  The ankle/knee surgery was the most painful and the most difficult to recover from because I had to relearn how to walk and it would forever cause me to walk with pain.

Now fast-forward to age 47.  I am a teacher and I must be on my feet all day.  This year I experienced a stress fracture on my fourth metatarsal.  After a few X-rays, I was told that it was not broken, so I continued to walk on it until it completely broke through after two weeks.  Ouch!  Then, as I was going through our workroom door, I fractured my fifth metatarsal.  So I went to see a doctor...he put me in a boot...and I stayed in a wheelchair and taught.  I threw out the idea of amputation when I went to see the doctor, but was dismissed quickly.  After about six weeks, I was told that I was healed and to work my way out of the boot into regular shoes.  I was shocked because NPS causes the healing process to be a little slower.  So I kept the boot on for another three weeks just to be safe and then came out of it.  I rebroke the foot right away.  I got another doctor.

Coming in for a Landing!

During all of this time, pain began to shoot to my last three toes on the right foot.  I attributed it to the broken metatarsals, but the pain was unrelenting and at times, excruciating.  It made teaching (or anything) very hard to do.  As we dealt with the broken foot, I kept complaining about the extreme pain in my toes.  The doctor decided I had Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and sent me to get three nerve blocks.  I mentioned amputation again...but was redirected to ankle reconstruction and a knee specialist.

After going to the knee specialist, we finally seriously discussed amputation after considering multiple other options including knee replacement (muscles atrophied and circulation bad so not a viable option), knee fusion (it would cause me to swing out my leg and increase pain in hip and back so not an option).  So, we are now in the phase where we are seriously talking amputation (YAY, FINALLY!!!) and I am very excited and energized.

So, I have four appointments next week to see the pain specialist, foot specialist, prosthetist, and orthopedic specialist.  My hope is that when I am done with all of those appointments, we will have decided that even though there are surgical options, none of them are viable and produce relief from the pain.  The only viable option is amputation. 

Now I know it sounds weird that I want to go the route of amputation, but I have been living with this pain and frustration for 47 years.  I am ready to remove it and work on getting a prosthetic leg that allows me to walk without worrying about each step and if it will hurt or bones will pop.  The bones in the right leg and foot are thinning to the point that just taking a step may result in a broken bone.  I do not want to live that way.  I want to be able to get up in the morning, put on my leg, and get to work (or fun).  :-)

Oh...by the way...Murphy is the name of Robocop...and I am working on getting a prosthetic leg that can meet my needs for my active life.  That may mean a C-leg.  Kind of Robocop-ish.  So the prosthetic limb will be named Murphy...(my husband's idea).  :-)

Oh My Gosh....I did it!!!

When I discussed the possibility of amputation with my family, there was almost an immediate sigh of relief from them.  They have watched me each year experience more and more pain as the leg and foot gets weaker and weaker from age.  They understand why I choose amputation.  My coworkers are mixed.  Those that know me well understand.  Those that just know me say, "We will pray that you do not need an amputation".  But I ask them to please pray that I can have an amputation!  :-)

My husband is my rock and he keeps me on solid ground.  His life will change because of this, too.  He is so supportive.  My children are great, too!  I have four children including two boys and two girls.  My first son is 24 years old, my girls are 23, and my youngest son is 22.  I have been without driving privileges for the last four weeks and they have driven me everywhere including work and doctors appointments more than two hours away!  My oldest son, Tavis, told me that when I get the Robocop leg, I will have to get the optional pop-out gun installed.  I told him that I might have to get a cup holder installed, as well.  :-)

So let me tell you what I am excited about with a prosthetic leg. 

#1:  Reduced pain.  I am aware that not all the pain will go away, but I am convinced that much of the pain will be gone after recovery and fitting for a prosthesis.  If I can get a 50% pain reduction, it would be worth it!
#2:  Increased mobility.  Right now I have to be so careful with walking.  Uneven ground wreaks havoc on my foot and knee.  I always walk very, very slow.  Shoot...I was walking to our car one day, and a two year old was walking faster than me!  I am looking forward to being able to walk and talk at the same time instead of always watching the ground to make sure I was careful where I walked.
#3:  Increased quality of life.  My hope is that when I wake up in the morning, I do not experience so much pain and frustration that I can ENJOY things again.  I have plans...and the way things are right now, I may not achieve them...but with an amputation, I can move forward!
#4:  More shoe options.  This one is so exciting.  With my feet the way they are now, I have to be VERY picky about shoes.  But with the prosthetic leg, I will have increased options for shoes.  What an exciting benefit.  I catch myself already looking at the shoes I might be able to wear once I have the amputation and get the prosthetic leg.  I guess I better start saving now!
#5:  Increased confidence.  Walking anywhere right now is sketchy...and people love to talk and walk, a feat I have not mastered.  I believe that with a prosthetic leg and some physical therapy, I can master walking on the new leg and get a newfound confidence in myself.  I cannot wait to have an intelligent conversation while I am walking!

Now let me tell you what I am nervous about:

#1:  Body image.  All I will have is a stump on the right side...and I am sure I will not go around showing it off.  I do not think the prosthetic leg will bother me, but showing the stump will.  I worry about my husband and if he will be repulsed by it.  We have had this discussion already and he says that he just wants me to be happy and without pain.  He has been good about my current leg and its deformities, so I have no reason to think he will not handle the amputation just fine.  But I still worry.
#2:  Work.  How long will I be out of work.  How long before I am back to 100% (or in my mind, up to 150%). 
#3:  Am I tough enough.  I am pretty tough...but losing a limb is serious business.  My goal is to bounce back quickly, get up and moving, and get into a prosthetic leg quickly.  I hope I am tough enough to do that.  I think I am, but this one is a new one.  I have a history of being pretty tough and determined.  Lets hope that continues!  :-)
#4:  Transitioning professionally.  I am completing my doctorate (I am currently ABD) and I am ready to move up to teaching at the college level.  That is made harder by going through this medical stuff.  My goal is to teach teachers how to teach including classroom management skills and how to use technology in the classroom.  Lets hope that I can continue to move towards that goal.  It may be delayed a bit, but I am determined to get there!
#5:  Medical complications.  This one is the fear of the unknown. I do not heal quickly, muscles have atrophied over the years, I have a plate and screws in the femur that I am sure will need to be removed, I have bone density issues, can my femur (that is thinning) support a prosthetic leg...so many questions that I am sure we will answer, but they are weighing heavy on my mind.

So...there you have it.  My first post.  It is long, sure enough.  But I have had a lot on my mind and I was ready to unload some of it.  Hopefully this will allow my brain to rest a bit before I prepare the next post!  :-)  Just a few more days and I will have a report from the multiple doctors I am seeing and hopefully they all support amputation so we can move forward.  I AM READY!!!