A lot has happened since the last post. I have been very busy contacting this doctor and that doctor to make sure that everything is on-track and ready for my May 27th date. I am still very excited and ready to go. We are dealing with the last minute loose ends to make sure that the transition after the surgery is as easy as possible. There is still a lot to do. Here are some of the things that are weighing heavy on my mind...
Driving: I am still working on getting certified to drive a car with a left foot accelerator. The task is proving very easy, but very expensive. We have been $40 to death with specialist doctor visits and we have tapped out our savings and rainy day fund. The driving lessons are costly and I may have to put them off until we have a little relief on bills. I was hoping that I could complete this task before the surgery, but it depends on our financial situation.
Work: I have been determined to work through to the end of the year. But I am tired. I am dealing with accommodation issues and, while I feel like hey are finally working with me, it has been a long year and I am struggling to be patient. Up to this point, I have not been a participant in discussing the accommodations that I need. I would ask...they would ignore or make a decision without my input. Now that they are finally talking to me, I feel the anger and frustration coming out and I just want to lash out at the fact that the entire year I have not been treated professionally or with any dignity. I think I have gone into my limitations with a lot of grace, style, and dignity, but after fighting for almost the whole school year to get a door fixed, get a curb cut, and get my classroom oriented better for using a wheelchair, I just feel like I want to yell at someone. It is not often that I ask for accommodations...and when I asked for them at the beginning of the school year, I tried to be very patient about getting them implemented because not only was I busy, but everyone else was busy, too. I was trying to be respectful of their time and resources. Now I understand that I should have been more forceful and insistent in the beginning that the changes be made. Another learning moment...
Finances: This one is a big one because I have such a fear of the unknown expenses. We have already drained our savings meeting the deductibles...and everyone knows that teachers make sooooooooo much money! (I was being sarcastic if you could not tell). I keep reminding myself that other people have done it...and so can I. But going back to beans and rice/rice and beans is frustrating. Tony and I have worked so hard to make sure that we didn't have to go back to that...but this one medical issue has put us back to penny-pinching again. At 47 years old, it is frustrating.
Just to give an idea of the amount of money...I have been to over 20 doctor visits at $40 each (our deductible for a specialist). I have been in the hospital one day for a seizure. They ran every test known to man in that one day. I have logged over 4000 miles traveling to Jackson, MS and back for doctor visits. And we have not hit the expensive stuff...the surgery itself, the hospital stay afterwards (2-5 days), and then the prosthetic leg, which can be anywhere from $50,000 to $100,000 depending on the type. Yes...I am nervous about the financial part! We will get through it...we will figure it out...and I am sure we will be just fine...but it is still frustrating and quite frightening to think about our financial instability...
Pain: I am struggling with a lot of pain right now. I have had six nerve blocks and they are doing a fantastic job of blocking the nerve pain that was overwhelming me daily. But I am having a lot of pain with the knee and foot as I limit the amount of walking I do. I have put myself in a wheelchair to prevent the breaking of the foot again. When I limit the use of the leg, the foot tightens up (especially if it gets cold) and it hurts tremendously when I try to get up and put any weight on it. I feel like my mobility has decreased about 85% and it is very, very frustrating. Yet it further solidifies my decision to have the amputation.
Physical Therapy: As we get closer to the actual surgery, I am discovering more and more information about what it will be like to remove the leg and the physical therapy I will have to complete just to get up and walking again. I know it will be difficult and I will have to learn how to walk in a completely different way. In discussing with the therapist our future sessions, I learned that I will be required to walk by pushing from the base of my buttocks. The prosthesis will come all of the way up my thigh and sit at the base of my buttocks and I will actually learn to initially push from there. I also have a decided advantage because of the extra tissue (fat) I have in my butt...one of the few times having a big butt is an advantage. It will make sitting on hard benches and chairs much easier... :-) As we get closer, I get a little more nervous that I will be a wimp and not do the things I need to do to recover quickly and learn the new way to walk. I think I am most worried about being "uncomfortable". The fear of the unknown is starting to creep in.
I do not think I will wimp out because that is not my style...but I still worry. I kind of equate it to when I went skydiving. I was SURE that when it was time to actually jump, I would chicken out. Surely little ole me was not brave enough to jump out of a perfectly good airplane at 13,500 feet! But...when the time came...I was not only ready, I swung my legs out and was ready to go! I think I will deal with this the same way...determined and resolute...but I still have that apprehension that I just cannot make go away.
Friends and Family: OK...this is a hard one...I DO NOT want anyone babying me or treating me like an invalid. I am not a "hero", or "brave" or "strong" or "special" or "extraordinary". I am just a person that is having a hard time with my right leg and figured out how to fix the problem. I want to go into the hospital, get the surgery done, recover, get my new prosthetic leg, and get busy trying to establishing my new normal. Nuff said...
So that about covers some of the major things that I am thinking about. There is obviously a lot on my mind and it is great that I can jot it all down, post it, and then forget about it for a while...until it creeps back into my brain. For now, suffice it to say that I am worried...not about the surgery, not about the recovery, and not about the prosthetic leg...just the "stuff" that comes with all of that. I have a high level of confidence that I will overcome all of it because the option is to not overcome it...and that is simply not an option. So...as I defeat all of these things, I will post all of my victories...because in the end, I believe that I am a winner and I will wear my prosthetic leg like a badge of honor at the mountains I have climbed to accomplish this goal of walking and being active again. I will not only have the ability to walk free of pain, but I also believe that in some respects I will have an overall net gain. And I am thankful that I have family, friends (virtual and flesh) that support me in my decision. I look forward to the day I take a step and do not have to think about it so hard! I just gotta remember that the first step is always a doozie!
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
How the Heck am I going to Drive?
Yep, that was the question that puzzled me last weekend! I worried about it for about 5 seconds, then my husband reminded me that I am the queen of researching things on the internet, so I jumped on the world wide web and found out everything I could about adaptations to cars.
I decided I did not want a hand controlled car. My car is so little (Mazda Miata MX-5) that it just cannot have a whole lot of "stuff" in the floor or there won't be any room for me! Then I came across a hinged left foot gas pedal. This is a pretty cool adaptation that can be made to just about any car. It allows you to keep the right gas pedal, but it gets put on a hinge. A left foot hinged gas pedal is added. So, if my husband wants to drive, the right pedal stays down and the left pedal goes up out of the way. If I want to drive, the left pedal stays down and the right pedal goes up. The brake stays the same. It is a really cool adaptation and I am super excited about it.
So the plan is to see an occupational therapist to teach me how to drive with my left foot only. She has to train me and certify me before my pedals can be installed. Then, once they are installed, away I go! Woohoo! We are going to get everything done before the amputation so that I can get used to driving with my left foot only.
My appointment with the doctor that will do the amputation is tomorrow. I am so excited! I am hoping that he wants to do it sooner, rather than later. I am already wanting to be on the road to recovery so I can get back up and work on getting my prosthetic leg. There is also a lot I want to ask him. Recovery time is important. My goal is to have the surgery done and be back to working in August in a wheelchair. I won't be up walking, yet...but I can at least get around. We'll see what he says. :-)
I had a slight meltdown a couple days ago when I realized that getting into my shower might be a bit of a challenge. We have a step over to get into the shower, and with one leg, my fear is that I will slip because I will have to almost "hop" in. Fear of falling is already hitting me! But my husband reassured me that we will go to Lowes and see if we can find some shower bars that we can add to our shower to allow me to get in slowly and carefully. Then, the goal is to have them redo the floor of our shower to make it a zero-step shower (also know as a wet room shower). I would love to make that change in our shower and then it would be way easier for me to get into the shower without the extreme fear of falling. We will work on that...
I went back to work this whole week. I was definitely worn out at the end of the week. It is difficult using that wheelchair to push around all 128 pounds of me! Of course, the new goal is to lose at least 10 pounds by the surgery so I won't struggle to move myself around during recovery. I must strengthen my arms, as well. I am also doing exercises each day to strengthen my thighs. Right now, they are flabby. The kind of flab that when you stop running, the thighs are still shaking like jello! :-( So I have a lot of work to do. My goal is to get those thighs as strong as I can so that when they do the amputation, my right leg recovers as easy as possible.
I saw the coolest thing at the prosthetic place the other day. There was a man that had a below the knee amputation and when he was putting on his prosthetic device, he unzipped his pants on the inseam of the leg. It was awesome! So I may have my mother-in-law (queen of the sewing machine) to make me a few pairs of pants like that. It is kind of neat!
I have also decided I am really, really excited about half-priced pedicures! I have only had a few pedicures in my life. One of the reasons I am not cool with it is because I hate anyone messing with my right foot. It hurts and the nails grow crazy so that it is hard to tell if you are cutting nail or skin. It does not like the massage they usually give either! How crazy is that?? So I just don't get them. But...now I can get my left foot done and completely enjoy it! No worries!!!! Woohoo!
In preparation for the amputation, I am getting my teeth worked on. I have had two root canals (no fun) and get to finish it up next week with putting the caps on. I must say, thought...these dentists that did the work were WONDERFUL. I went in and told them that I was having an amputation in a few months, and I was way more nervous about the dental work! They were awesome and told me that they would use "profound anesthesia" and they did! Barely felt a thing...at one point I almost fell asleep! That is awesome! Definitely a very different experience than the first root canal I had! I come by my dental fears honestly. But these guys made me not so fearful of the dentist any longer because I know that they have really good happy gas and happy juice! :-)
Right now I really only have one worry...and that is finances. My husband and I have always worked hard to make sure that we kept plenty in savings in case of an emergency. Well...we have just about sucked that dry with all of the doctor visits, medication, and dental work (about $2000 just in dental work!). But I need to remind myself of one of my favorite sayings:
"If someone has already done something, that means I can do it, too. If someone has never done something, I can be the first!"
There are lots and lots of people that have dealt with the financial issues that come with doctor bills and amputation. If they can do it, I can do it, too! :-)
Still looking for that dream job, too! Now that I am so close to my doctorate, I am wanting to teach at the college level. My goal is to end up in Rogers, Arkansas (or there abouts) to teach new teachers about classroom management and using technology in the classroom. I am very thrilled that I am so close to finishing my doctorate. I am ABD (all but dissertation) and the only thing I have left is my dissertation (two chapters to go). Hopefully with some downtime from the amputation, I will be able to tie it up with a nice bow and GRADUATE! Wouldn't it be awesome to walk across the stage in my new leg! Holy cow, that is exciting!!
Well...another blog post down. I have so much I have been thinking about and so glad that I have a way of putting it all down, thus letting my brain rest a little. Until the next post, I hope you have a GREAT week! Updates on the date of the amputation and the "Big Plan" will be coming soon! :-)
Oh...by the way...my husband made me promise that we would not have a funeral for the leg...so I must think of something creative and outside the box...any ideas??
I decided I did not want a hand controlled car. My car is so little (Mazda Miata MX-5) that it just cannot have a whole lot of "stuff" in the floor or there won't be any room for me! Then I came across a hinged left foot gas pedal. This is a pretty cool adaptation that can be made to just about any car. It allows you to keep the right gas pedal, but it gets put on a hinge. A left foot hinged gas pedal is added. So, if my husband wants to drive, the right pedal stays down and the left pedal goes up out of the way. If I want to drive, the left pedal stays down and the right pedal goes up. The brake stays the same. It is a really cool adaptation and I am super excited about it.
Notice: left gas pedal up, right gas pedal down
So the plan is to see an occupational therapist to teach me how to drive with my left foot only. She has to train me and certify me before my pedals can be installed. Then, once they are installed, away I go! Woohoo! We are going to get everything done before the amputation so that I can get used to driving with my left foot only.
My appointment with the doctor that will do the amputation is tomorrow. I am so excited! I am hoping that he wants to do it sooner, rather than later. I am already wanting to be on the road to recovery so I can get back up and work on getting my prosthetic leg. There is also a lot I want to ask him. Recovery time is important. My goal is to have the surgery done and be back to working in August in a wheelchair. I won't be up walking, yet...but I can at least get around. We'll see what he says. :-)
I had a slight meltdown a couple days ago when I realized that getting into my shower might be a bit of a challenge. We have a step over to get into the shower, and with one leg, my fear is that I will slip because I will have to almost "hop" in. Fear of falling is already hitting me! But my husband reassured me that we will go to Lowes and see if we can find some shower bars that we can add to our shower to allow me to get in slowly and carefully. Then, the goal is to have them redo the floor of our shower to make it a zero-step shower (also know as a wet room shower). I would love to make that change in our shower and then it would be way easier for me to get into the shower without the extreme fear of falling. We will work on that...
No step shower entry...cooh, huh?
I went back to work this whole week. I was definitely worn out at the end of the week. It is difficult using that wheelchair to push around all 128 pounds of me! Of course, the new goal is to lose at least 10 pounds by the surgery so I won't struggle to move myself around during recovery. I must strengthen my arms, as well. I am also doing exercises each day to strengthen my thighs. Right now, they are flabby. The kind of flab that when you stop running, the thighs are still shaking like jello! :-( So I have a lot of work to do. My goal is to get those thighs as strong as I can so that when they do the amputation, my right leg recovers as easy as possible.
I saw the coolest thing at the prosthetic place the other day. There was a man that had a below the knee amputation and when he was putting on his prosthetic device, he unzipped his pants on the inseam of the leg. It was awesome! So I may have my mother-in-law (queen of the sewing machine) to make me a few pairs of pants like that. It is kind of neat!
I have also decided I am really, really excited about half-priced pedicures! I have only had a few pedicures in my life. One of the reasons I am not cool with it is because I hate anyone messing with my right foot. It hurts and the nails grow crazy so that it is hard to tell if you are cutting nail or skin. It does not like the massage they usually give either! How crazy is that?? So I just don't get them. But...now I can get my left foot done and completely enjoy it! No worries!!!! Woohoo!
In preparation for the amputation, I am getting my teeth worked on. I have had two root canals (no fun) and get to finish it up next week with putting the caps on. I must say, thought...these dentists that did the work were WONDERFUL. I went in and told them that I was having an amputation in a few months, and I was way more nervous about the dental work! They were awesome and told me that they would use "profound anesthesia" and they did! Barely felt a thing...at one point I almost fell asleep! That is awesome! Definitely a very different experience than the first root canal I had! I come by my dental fears honestly. But these guys made me not so fearful of the dentist any longer because I know that they have really good happy gas and happy juice! :-)
Right now I really only have one worry...and that is finances. My husband and I have always worked hard to make sure that we kept plenty in savings in case of an emergency. Well...we have just about sucked that dry with all of the doctor visits, medication, and dental work (about $2000 just in dental work!). But I need to remind myself of one of my favorite sayings:
"If someone has already done something, that means I can do it, too. If someone has never done something, I can be the first!"
There are lots and lots of people that have dealt with the financial issues that come with doctor bills and amputation. If they can do it, I can do it, too! :-)
Still looking for that dream job, too! Now that I am so close to my doctorate, I am wanting to teach at the college level. My goal is to end up in Rogers, Arkansas (or there abouts) to teach new teachers about classroom management and using technology in the classroom. I am very thrilled that I am so close to finishing my doctorate. I am ABD (all but dissertation) and the only thing I have left is my dissertation (two chapters to go). Hopefully with some downtime from the amputation, I will be able to tie it up with a nice bow and GRADUATE! Wouldn't it be awesome to walk across the stage in my new leg! Holy cow, that is exciting!!
Well...another blog post down. I have so much I have been thinking about and so glad that I have a way of putting it all down, thus letting my brain rest a little. Until the next post, I hope you have a GREAT week! Updates on the date of the amputation and the "Big Plan" will be coming soon! :-)
Oh...by the way...my husband made me promise that we would not have a funeral for the leg...so I must think of something creative and outside the box...any ideas??
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