A lot has happened since the last post. I have been very busy contacting this doctor and that doctor to make sure that everything is on-track and ready for my May 27th date. I am still very excited and ready to go. We are dealing with the last minute loose ends to make sure that the transition after the surgery is as easy as possible. There is still a lot to do. Here are some of the things that are weighing heavy on my mind...
Driving: I am still working on getting certified to drive a car with a left foot accelerator. The task is proving very easy, but very expensive. We have been $40 to death with specialist doctor visits and we have tapped out our savings and rainy day fund. The driving lessons are costly and I may have to put them off until we have a little relief on bills. I was hoping that I could complete this task before the surgery, but it depends on our financial situation.
Work: I have been determined to work through to the end of the year. But I am tired. I am dealing with accommodation issues and, while I feel like hey are finally working with me, it has been a long year and I am struggling to be patient. Up to this point, I have not been a participant in discussing the accommodations that I need. I would ask...they would ignore or make a decision without my input. Now that they are finally talking to me, I feel the anger and frustration coming out and I just want to lash out at the fact that the entire year I have not been treated professionally or with any dignity. I think I have gone into my limitations with a lot of grace, style, and dignity, but after fighting for almost the whole school year to get a door fixed, get a curb cut, and get my classroom oriented better for using a wheelchair, I just feel like I want to yell at someone. It is not often that I ask for accommodations...and when I asked for them at the beginning of the school year, I tried to be very patient about getting them implemented because not only was I busy, but everyone else was busy, too. I was trying to be respectful of their time and resources. Now I understand that I should have been more forceful and insistent in the beginning that the changes be made. Another learning moment...
Finances: This one is a big one because I have such a fear of the unknown expenses. We have already drained our savings meeting the deductibles...and everyone knows that teachers make sooooooooo much money! (I was being sarcastic if you could not tell). I keep reminding myself that other people have done it...and so can I. But going back to beans and rice/rice and beans is frustrating. Tony and I have worked so hard to make sure that we didn't have to go back to that...but this one medical issue has put us back to penny-pinching again. At 47 years old, it is frustrating.
Just to give an idea of the amount of money...I have been to over 20 doctor visits at $40 each (our deductible for a specialist). I have been in the hospital one day for a seizure. They ran every test known to man in that one day. I have logged over 4000 miles traveling to Jackson, MS and back for doctor visits. And we have not hit the expensive stuff...the surgery itself, the hospital stay afterwards (2-5 days), and then the prosthetic leg, which can be anywhere from $50,000 to $100,000 depending on the type. Yes...I am nervous about the financial part! We will get through it...we will figure it out...and I am sure we will be just fine...but it is still frustrating and quite frightening to think about our financial instability...
Pain: I am struggling with a lot of pain right now. I have had six nerve blocks and they are doing a fantastic job of blocking the nerve pain that was overwhelming me daily. But I am having a lot of pain with the knee and foot as I limit the amount of walking I do. I have put myself in a wheelchair to prevent the breaking of the foot again. When I limit the use of the leg, the foot tightens up (especially if it gets cold) and it hurts tremendously when I try to get up and put any weight on it. I feel like my mobility has decreased about 85% and it is very, very frustrating. Yet it further solidifies my decision to have the amputation.
Physical Therapy: As we get closer to the actual surgery, I am discovering more and more information about what it will be like to remove the leg and the physical therapy I will have to complete just to get up and walking again. I know it will be difficult and I will have to learn how to walk in a completely different way. In discussing with the therapist our future sessions, I learned that I will be required to walk by pushing from the base of my buttocks. The prosthesis will come all of the way up my thigh and sit at the base of my buttocks and I will actually learn to initially push from there. I also have a decided advantage because of the extra tissue (fat) I have in my butt...one of the few times having a big butt is an advantage. It will make sitting on hard benches and chairs much easier... :-) As we get closer, I get a little more nervous that I will be a wimp and not do the things I need to do to recover quickly and learn the new way to walk. I think I am most worried about being "uncomfortable". The fear of the unknown is starting to creep in.
I do not think I will wimp out because that is not my style...but I still worry. I kind of equate it to when I went skydiving. I was SURE that when it was time to actually jump, I would chicken out. Surely little ole me was not brave enough to jump out of a perfectly good airplane at 13,500 feet! But...when the time came...I was not only ready, I swung my legs out and was ready to go! I think I will deal with this the same way...determined and resolute...but I still have that apprehension that I just cannot make go away.
Friends and Family: OK...this is a hard one...I DO NOT want anyone babying me or treating me like an invalid. I am not a "hero", or "brave" or "strong" or "special" or "extraordinary". I am just a person that is having a hard time with my right leg and figured out how to fix the problem. I want to go into the hospital, get the surgery done, recover, get my new prosthetic leg, and get busy trying to establishing my new normal. Nuff said...
So that about covers some of the major things that I am thinking about. There is obviously a lot on my mind and it is great that I can jot it all down, post it, and then forget about it for a while...until it creeps back into my brain. For now, suffice it to say that I am worried...not about the surgery, not about the recovery, and not about the prosthetic leg...just the "stuff" that comes with all of that. I have a high level of confidence that I will overcome all of it because the option is to not overcome it...and that is simply not an option. So...as I defeat all of these things, I will post all of my victories...because in the end, I believe that I am a winner and I will wear my prosthetic leg like a badge of honor at the mountains I have climbed to accomplish this goal of walking and being active again. I will not only have the ability to walk free of pain, but I also believe that in some respects I will have an overall net gain. And I am thankful that I have family, friends (virtual and flesh) that support me in my decision. I look forward to the day I take a step and do not have to think about it so hard! I just gotta remember that the first step is always a doozie!
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